The Alexandrian #006
The “Deuce” Edition
I’m back and a day earlier than usual. My deadline has been moved up, but luckily the news took a massive dump right before I began writing this. Let’s pick through it, shall we?
First and foremost, all 33 Chilean miners have been successfully recovered. A small capsule, called the Phoenix, pulled them out of the bowels of the Earth through a small 23” hole. It was as if the Earth was pooping them out. For some reason, this process took over 24 hours. Maybe it was constipated. Why am I making so many poop jokes? Am I eight? Most likely.
Anyway, while these miners were down there, they had access to food, Internet, and soccer matches. Why would they leave that? What’s so great about the surface anyway? We got war, disease, famine, and Jersey Shore. The surface is a truly horrid place. I may be taking a flight down to Chile and jumping down that hole.
The world welcomed two new countries this week. On Sunday, the Netherlands Antilles was dissolved and replaced with two new countries: St. Maarten and Curaçao. Apparently, the Netherlands replaced the Netherlands Antilles with the two new countries for no reason at all. St. Maarten and Curaçao will still be under the control of the Netherlands anyway. What ever happened to the Monroe Doctrine? Why does the Netherlands have territory in the New World? I propose that the Obama administration declare war on the Netherlands immediately. But we can’t just stop there. Denmark has Greenland. The French have French Guiana. And probably worst of all, Britain has Canada. CANADA! The country that has been sitting on our heads for the past few hundred years is actually a shill for Britain. This isn’t a British colony! THIS IS AMERICA!
Finally, the head of the Mexican investigator investigating the murder of an American man on Falcon Lake was delivered to the Mexican army. Rolando Armando Flores Villegas was sent in to find the corpse of David Hartley, an American killed by Mexican pirates near the Mexican-American border. Looks like he got a little too close. His severed head was delivered to the Mexican Army in a suitcase. It’s tough to joke about a guy being decapitated so we will end this Alexandrian on a low note. Have a great day!
All the best,
Alex Peruso
